The Haruka Tenoh Show
by thisissparta789789
Summary: (The incarnations of the SM characters in this story are many times VERY OOC. Also, there is a lot of vulgar humour in this story. Don't like it? Don't read it.) What if Haruka and the rest of the SM cast were crazy? What if websites could become real? What if the cinnamon challenge was a load of crap? What if things weren't normal at all? (Will be updated weekly, maybe more.)
1. HARUKA DOES CINNAMON CHALLENGE

"Anyway," Haruka said as she turned the camera on. "I was challenged by my friends Usagi and Setsuna to do the cinnamon challenge. If you've lived under a fucking rock for the past 2 years, it involves putting a giant spoonful of cinnamon into your mouth." Then, she stopped for a moment. "Yeah, it makes no fucking sense."

She then grabbed the cinnamon bottle and said, "Well, here's a bottle of cinnamon powder. Now, I'm gonna pour it into this spoon here." She then poured it. "Alright, there we go. Y'know, I don't really get this challenge. I mean, it's just cinnamon, what could possibly go wrong?"

She then counted down from 5. After reaching 1, she stuck the spoon in her mouth and kept it there for several seconds. Then, she began coughing loudly as she fell to the ground, knocking over several pots and pans in the process. As she turned to face the camera, she began to scream from the pain in her mouth.

* * *

The camera then cut to Haruka sitting down in her room and saying, "I just wanna say that you guys are fucking assholes, but you're my assholes, and that's why you're my friends. Anyways, I'm gonna be making a bunch of other videos soon about me and my girlfriend's adventures soon, so stay tuned. Be warned though, I can go over the top." Haruka then flashed a creepy smile as the video ended.

* * *

The camera then cut to Michiru doing the same challenge. She said, "Rei challenged me to do this. She said it wouldn't be a big deal. Well, let's see if she's right or wrong."

Then, Haruka ran in and said, "Michiru, don't! You will screw up your life!"

"Aw c'mon, it's just cinnamon."

* * *

**20 years later**

Michiru was shaking as she froze underneath a tree, having been evicted from her home. She said to herself, "I should have never done that cinnamon challenge. Rei... Rei, you bitch..."

* * *

Back in the present, Michiru said, "You know what? I won't do it."

"Thank God," said Haruka. "Now, let's go kick Usagi and Setsuna's asses for making me do this stupid challenge. I swear, those 2 have the minds of 12-year-old boys who play too much fucking Call of Duty and say that they get friendzoned all the time."

A representation of a stereotypical 12-year-old then said, "I was totally friendzoned. Hurr hurr."

Haruka then said, "**There's no such thing as the friendzone, you immature faggot! **It's called being a whiny little bitch!"

* * *

_**Remember, you can PM the author questions so Haruka can answer them in the Ask Haruka segments! Be sure to send them in!**_


	2. DON'T DO DRUGS

Haruka said to the camera, "Welcome to the show, bitches! Anyway, it's me, Haruka, again. Today, we're gonna be smoking some weed I got from Minako—don't ask how she got it in the first place, we don't know, nor do we want to know—and we're gonna see what happens. Hey, Michiru."

Michiru showed the weed to the camera and said, "Here you go. Time to 420 blaze it!"

Haruka said, "Minako called this shit 'Costa Concordia,' because once you do it, your whole mind fucking capsizes." She then rolled it up and put it in her mouth before lighting it. After blowing smoke out, she said, "That feels goooooooood..." After a while, Haruka began to notice some hallucinations. "Oh shit, is this laced?"

Then, a toy bear said, "Haruka, we've had enough of yo bullshit."

"Oh no. No no no no no. This can't be happening."

Then, the toy bear threw a banana at Michiru, striking her in the head and somehow killing her. Haruka screamed, "**Noooooo! Not Michiru!"**

* * *

_**REST IN PEACE**_

_**MICHIRU KAIOH "SAILOR NEPTUNE"**_

_**?-2014**_

* * *

Haruka then said, "Don't do drugs, 'cause you'll end up enjoying this show."


	3. WHY I HATE ONLINE COMMUNITIES

Haruka said, "What's up you drug trafficking junkies! It's Haruka Tenoh, here! Anyways, today, I'll be talking about social network and online communities. First off we have Twitter. It's this site where you basically send out anything if it's under 140 characters. This provides a LOT of situations for stupid people to tweet stupid opinions."

Tweet 1: Neo-Queen Serenity is a dictator! #freedom

Tweet 2: I really don't like Koreans! #JapanRocks

Tweet 3: I love to eat the banana!

Tweet 4: Unit 731 never happened! #ChineseLies

"Woah woah woah," Haruka said. "Stop! That's taking it too far... Don't you ever talk shit about Neo-Queen Serenity! Now, let's move on to Facebook. Dear God, Facebook. It's that dumbass website where people post irrelevant things about their lives."

Post 1: I totally just cooked up pasta.

Post 2: Went jogging across the park for exercise. Had some pizza afterwards because I can.

"I especially hate it when people post pictures of themselves cooking," said Haruka. "Honestly, if you're not gonna give any of that to us..."

_**WOOOH! NOBODY GIVES A SHIT!**_

"And then we have Tumblr," said Haruka. "They're the worst of them all. All Tumblr is is a giant circlejerk of teenage girls who post dumb opinions on the internet. I know, I'm kinda being a hypocrite here."

Post 1: CRUSH THE PATRIARCHY! #killallmen

Post 2: CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE! #diecisscum

Post 3: SOCIAL JUSTICE! #CHECKPRIVILEGE

"You're doing next to _**NOTHING **_to help the groups that you claim are oppressed," said Haruka. "I should know. I'm a lesbian. And yet has Tumblr done anything for me other than get me annoyed? Fuck no! All they do is whine and bitch about men, white people, cisgender people, and pretty much everyone who isn't them. I'm pretty sure I'm not oppressed as a Japanese person in Japan. That's the other problem with Tumblr. They're so American-centric they think America's history of not-so-good treatment of non-whites happened everywhere, and whites did all genocides."

Post 4: END GENOCIDE! KILL WHITEY!

"That's not fucking true, you dumb faggot," Haruka said. "Japan killed millions of Chinese and Koreans in World War 2. Killing white people isn't going to stop genocide. In fact, it is a fucking genocide."

Then, Michiru ran in, saying, "Oh God, you pissed off the Tumblr community, Haruka!"

"Oh shit, not them." Haruka then ran behind her bed as Usagi stumbled in, her clothes nearly ripped to shreds by the angry crowd.

"It's hell out there," said Usagi. "They took everything from me." She then hid behind the bed as well.

Then, a crowd of Tumblr Social Justice Warriors burst through the door. One of them yelled, "You're all a bunch of internalised misogynists and homophobes!"

Haruka said, "Internalised my ass! More like truth-tellers!"

Another one in the crowd said, "I ship you and Usagi hard, Haruka!"

"Oh yeah," said Haruka in reply. "I forgot to talk about the shipping... Dear God, the shipping..."

Then, Twitter, Pornhub, Facebook burst through the windows. Michiru said, "Oh thank God, Twitter and Facebook are here with... Pornhub?"

Pornhub shrugged as Twitter said, "We ain't here to help. We're here to kick all your asses."

Haruka, Usagi, and Michiru then screamed as the giant crowd overwhelmed them.


	4. OH GOD THE SHIPPING

"Konnichiwa, bitches," Haruka began. "Welcome back to the Haruka Tenoh Show! Honestly, I have no fucking clue why you guys come on back to watch this shit. I don't even know why I make these videos in the first place. Anyway, I'd like to address an issue that I forgot to in the video about online communities. It's about a thing called shipping."

* * *

_**WHAT IS SHIPPING, HARUKA-SENPAI?**_

* * *

"Simply put," Haruka began. "Shipping is when fans of a work of fiction or a real-life event or thing or whatever the fuck you call it begin to pair up characters and/or people from that thing together in a relationship, hence the shipping part. Now, this isn't too bad, unless you're doing it to real people, then in the case, you're a fucking stalker and a creep. However, it can get out of hand, especially if you take into account the disease known as Rule 34."

* * *

**_WHAT IS RULE 34, HARUKA-SENPAI?_**

* * *

"Oh God," Haruka said. "Rule 34 is atrocious! It's a rule if the internet that states that as long as something exists, porn of it will be made."

"BUT THAT'S LIKE TOTALLY IMPOSSIBLE, HARUKA-SENPAI!"

"No, it's not. Rule 35 is why. That rule basically feeds into Rule 34 by saying that porn of a thing will always be made if it cannot be accessed. These 2 rules play heavily into shipping because face it, who wouldn't want to see 2 people they like together grinding it on a bed? As for me, since I get shipped a lot, I have a mixed reaction to this. I like it when people draw pics of me and my GF Michiru getting it on. But... Sorry guys, I'm not into fucking Usagi or Mamoru... But hey, it's my body, and I can do whatever the hell I want!"

Then, Michiru walked in and said, "I bought a new toy!"

"Awwwwwwwwww yeah! Oh, and by the way, I'm gonna be doing an Ask Haruka video soon. **If you want to have your questions answered, private message me. Don't put them in the reviews, because I won't read them there. **Anyways, let's have some fun, Michiru!"

"Yay! I'm gonna make you feel-"

Then, Mamoru walked in. Mamoru said, "Can you 2 keep it down?! Me and Usagi were about to have sex!"

"Dude, no... Just, no... You're, like, what, 3 years ahead of her, man!" Michiru then shut the door in his face. "Enough of that idiot."

"I swear to God," Haruka said. "Michiru treats that boy like the Tokyo Mew Mew fandom treats Masaya sometimes. And they say I'm a man hater because I'm a tomboy who likes girls. Man, fuck stereotypes... Literally."


	5. TEEABOOS

Haruka said as she hit record, "Welcome to the show, you alley-dwelling asspiles! Today, we're gonna be talking about a sister trope to the infamous weeaboo. If you've lived under a fucking rock for the past decade, a weeaboo is someone who is extremely obsessed with Japanese culture. Believe me, they are horrible."

After several disgusting pictures of weeaboos flashed on the screen, Haruka continued, "Now, weeaboos also have a sister to them called the teeaboos. Teeaboos are basically these idiots who are obsessed with England and whack off to the Doctor or Sherlock Holmes some shit like that. They can be just as bad, if not fucking worse, than weeaboo trash. Like weeaboos, they also have a tendency to misuse words, like how weeaboos use the word "otaku" as a term of endearment when it's an insult in Japan. As for teeaboos, expect them to misuse the word "British" when they really mean "English," because who the fuck cares about the Welsh, the Scottish, or the Irish anyway, right?"

Then, Haruka heard a knock on the door of her apartment. A man said in a thick Scottish accent, "Open up, ya bloody bastard! How dare you say I don't matter!"

"I'm sorry! I was saying it sarcastically!"

"Oh... Sorry about that then. By the way, you got a lotta teeaboos rushing at your apartment building right now. Good luck."

"Okay the- WAIT, WHAT?!"

"Don't worry," said another outside man in an Irish accent. "I got this!" Then, Haruka heard several gunshots. "I don't got this! The teeaboos have too many umbrellas!" The Irishman then screamed as the teeaboos tore him apart.

"Wow, what the fuck is wrong with my world?"

* * *

By the way, I am taking questions for an Ask Haruka episode later on, so PM the author (me) the questions. _**DON'T PUT THEM IN THE**** REVIEWS.**_I will probably get Haruka to answer all questions.

Haruka then said, "Wait, who the fuck are you?!"

I gotta go! See ya!

"Hey! Get the fuck back here with my camera, asshole!"


	6. HOW TO EAT IN 15 DIFFERENT CULTURES

JAPAN

Haruka said, "Oh boy! Math homework!" She then ate a piece of paper containing math problems.

IRAQ

Haruka said, "I can't wait to try this new food and OH MY GOD THAT IS A MISSILE!"

ETHIOPIA

Haruka held her hands to her face, thinking there was food there. After realising there wasn't she said, "Agh shit!"

NORTH KOREA

Haruka said, "Oh boy! Juche!" She then ate a piece of paper with the word 'Juche' written on it.

AFGHANISTAN

Haruka said, "I can't wait to try this new food and OH MY GOD THAT IS A MISSILE!"

SYRIA

Haruka said, "I can't wait to try this new food and OH MY GOD THAT IS A MISSILE!"

ISRAEL

Haruka said, "I can't wait to try this new food and OH MY GOD THAT IS A MISSILE!"

GAZA

Haruka said, "I can't wait to try this new food and OH MY GOD THAT IS A MISSILE!"

UKRAINE

Haruka shook and fell to the ground after being riddled with bullets.

DETROIT

Haruka shook and fell to the ground after being riddled with bullets.

SOUTH KOREA

Haruka said, "Oh boy! Math homework!" She then ate a piece of paper containing math problems.

CHINA

Haruka said, "Oh boy! Math homework!" She then ate a piece of paper containing math problems.

CHINATOWN

Haruka said, "I would like to eat the dog!"

SOUTHEAST ASIA

Haruka was about to eat something before pulling her head back and saying," Man, this food smells like shit!"

UGANDA

Haruka said, "Is everybody at the table for dinner? Wait, where are my kids?"


	7. OW THE EDGE

"Welcome to the show," Haruka said to begin. "Today, we'll be talking about edge. And I don't mean the edge on surfaces. I'm talking about edginess. You know, like some idiots who do shocking things to get attention because they're attention whores."

A representation of Queen Beryl then said, "I'm totally gonna take over the Earth and the Moon and launch a huge genocide and war. God, I'm so edgy!"

Queen Metalia then said, "You're 2edgy4me. I like you. Become part of my team."

"Sure thing, Metalia! We can be edgy together!"

Haruka then said, "Exactly. See what I mean? If you get 2 very edgy people and put them together, the edginess meters will go crazy. It's never good when you have this combo, because... well... yeah, shit like the Silver Millennium Attack happens. For example, Hitler was edgy."

Hitler then said, "I'm totally gonna take over Europe and launch a huge genocide and war! God, I'm so edgy!"

Haruka then followed, "Same horseshit, different circumstances."

Michiru then said, "You played The Hitler Card! No matter! I'll pay 2 lands and activate Negate. Now The Hitler Card is negated and destroyed!"

Haruka then said, "Damn, you're good at Magic. But are you good at Duel Monsters?!"

Usagi then ran in, saying, "Did somebody say Duel Monsters?!"

"Oh God, not this shit again..."

An SM weeaboo then said, "My Yami x Serena headcanons have been confirmed! uwu"

Haruka said, "Where the hell did the weeb come from?"

Rei and Makoto then said together, "No clue."

"HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE IN MY FUCKING APARTMENT?!"

* * *

And remember, I am taking questions! PM me and you'll get your questions featured on the show!

"Hey, why the fuck do you keep stealing my camera, asshole?!"

Oh shit! Gotta run! See ya!

"Get back here! That camera cost me 160,000 fucking yen!"


	8. THE GANG MEETS THEIR OTHER SELVES

Haruka said, "Welcome back, you disgusting pieces of sewer filth. It's Haruka, again. Anyway, me and  
Michiru have 2 special guests with us today." She then turned her head to the door. "Come on out, guys!"

Then, 2 people walked out that looked like Haruka and Michiru. Michiru said, "These 2 are ourselves from a realm not usually connected to ours, Realm 6.2."

Normal Haruka said, "Okay, I am very confused. What the hell is going on?"

Haruka said, "Welcome to Realm 6.2! I am you from this realm, and I am here to tell you all about me and Michiru."

Normal Michiru said, "You guys are certainly weird."

"Yeah, I know. Anyway, we're still kinda cleaning up from the invasion of the teeabooss, those England fanatics who get off to Doctor Who and Sherlock and Tea and shit like that."

Normal Haruka said, "I can tell this realm is more chaotic than ours. No offence."

"None taken, you're 500% right. Most of the time, I'm the sane one, and I have my own issues. Now, Normal Michiru, didn't you say you're the bisexual one?"

"Yeah? Why?"

"Things are kinda different here. Michiru... doesn't like men, to say the least. And I'm full-on pansexual. Let's just say that I grew a huge dick and pussy crop before I settled down with Michiru."

"That's interesting," Normal Haruka said. "So anyways, where are the other senshi?"

"Oh yeah. They all live in the same apartment building as me. I think everyone except Minako and Makoto are here right now."

Usagi then walked in, saying, "Minako and Makoto are still hungover from last night's party. They had rough sex last night and I think they don't remember it. I could hear them scream from my apartment. Even me and Mamoru don't do it that loud."

Normal Haruka and Michiru blushed from Usagi's sexually explicit comments. Normal Michiru said, "You guys have sex?! How old are you?!"

"Uhhh," Haruka said. "I have no fucking clue in years. We count time in chromosomes here. I think around 500 is the equivalent of 18 years. I know that I am 420 chromosomes old. I forgot everyone else, to be honest. Honestly, age in chromosomes or years means nothing nowadays. I assume everyone's at the same age as everyone in your realm is."

Normal Haruka said, "Oh my! You guys are too young to do that!"

"Says the couple who actually did do it," Michiru said.

"That was different," Normal Michiru replied. "That was different because... Because... Yeah, okay, we're hypocrites."

"Anyway," Haruka said. "Did you meet your Realm 1.0 selves from the DiC dub yet?"

"Yep," said Normal Haruka. "We did. They were creeped out by our relationship because of the whole cousins thing. Then Michelle had the audacity to suggest that she and Amara could do it. We all shook our heads no because that would be incest in that realm, and I'm pretty sure no one likes that. Oh, and I kicked Amara's ass in a motorcycle race."

Haruka laughed and said, "That reminds me. Wanna go race in our cars?"

Normal Haruka said, "Hell yeah!"

* * *

In the aftermath of the race, Michiru said to Normal Haruka, "Yeah... Haruka's gonna be in the hospital for a few chromosomes."

Normal Michiru said, "I still can't believe a drunk, 12-year-old Realm 6.2 Hotaru managed to get into a car and T-bone this realm's Haruka just as she was about to win."

Then, Normal Hotaru peeked from behind Normal Michiru and said, "Michiru-mama, the other Hotaru taught me some new words."

Normal Haruka then said, "Oooookay, let's not say bad words here, Hotaru, okay?"

Normal Hotaru replied, "Okay, Haruka-papa."


End file.
